Thursday, April 2, 2009

Talk Dirty with Me

I have a filthy mouth. I have since I was a teenager. If my mother were still alive, I would suggest you just ask her about it. Of course, she might still confirm this, even though she is dead. In fact she would probably tell you my love of the profane is one of the trials she was forced to endure that eventually led to her premature death.

I love words in general and have, I believe, a larger than average vocabulary. I try to use that vocabulary regularly. Not to show off, but because I believe that in some way words are sacred and we can't afford to lose them. So I do my best to keep words from falling out of use.

In spite of the fact that I have an abundant supply of expressive words at my fingertips, words that clearly make my point without offending anyone, I still like to curse. Through the years, I have tried to break the habit, but with little success. I thought I would quit cussing when I had children. But when your first child is deaf, there seems to be little point to reining in your expletives. And by the time the second one came along, the habit was too ingrained. I have learned to regulate my use of profanity in certain situations, but with varying degrees of success.

I like to cuss for several reasons. First, sometimes nothing but a cuss word will do. There are certain situations that can only be summed up by the liberal use of "Fuck!" (To me, the most multifarious word in the English language. It is applicable to almost any occasion or situation.) Sometimes a man behaves in such a way that the only moniker that applies is "Prick". Sometimes a woman is just a plain and simple "Bitch". You can use words that might not cause offense, but the appropriate cuss word, allows you to express your opinion in a pithy and succinct manner and there is no confusion about how you really feel about the subject.

I also like cuss words, because I think talking dirty in bed is sexy. I always have. Nothing is more of a turn off than anatomically and politically correct language between the sheets. The two least sexy words in the English language are penis and vagina. I'm sorry, but it is the truth. I want to be called names in bed that, if I were called them outside of bed, would be a justifiable reason for pistols at dawn. And I like to call the anatomy of the person in bed with me (alright, my husband) by the most profane labels I can come up with. And then I often giggle, which defeats the purpose, or so he tells me.

I also recently discovered a third reason I like curse words. Historically, profanity has been seen as a tool of the young or the uneducated. I am neither. And while I don't necessarily aspire to anything that makes me appear less educated, I do aspire to anything that makes me feel younger than I am. This revelation came to me in a discussion with my grown daughter, who has, unfortunately, inherited my love of profanity, although I don't think she has attained my level of expertise. How we got into this discussion, I don't recall. But at some point I admitted to her that "Having a potty mouth makes me feel younger, edgier, more cool." At that she started laughing hysterically. When I pressed her to tell me what was so funny, as she was wiping the tears from her eyes, she told me that I was defeating the purpose of using profanity to appear edgier or cool if I was going to refer to cussing as "having a potty mouth". Then she pointed out the dichotomy of many of my language choices.

So,now I am once again, trying to clean up my language. I have decreed that I am striking certain words from my vocabulary from here on. Words I have used all my whole life. Words like "potty", "tinkle", "booby", "popo" and "weewee". After all, it is never my intent to offend.


Cora Zane said...

"...sometimes nothing but a cuss word will do."

Now isn't that the truth! Save that one for posterity. Srsly. That's a universal truth worthy of the quote hall of fame.

Happy weekend!

Lulu said...

Thanks. I'm glad others find it so. I hate to think I have the most profane mouth in the room, but I usually do.

Bernie Latham said...

My wife and I were behaving like animals when the cat walked in. Bad enough. It would have been far worse had she not been Persian and lacking familiarity with Middle English.